On the never get there railroad I've been driving thirty years
And some dreadful sights I've seen, in twelve accidents I've been
The story I am going to tell would melt a frog to tears
So go to sleep and listen to my tale
The mystery of the mouldy midnight mail
We left the railway ration and the whistle gave a scream
She began to rock and roll I'd forgot to take the coal
Then I all at one discovered that we hadn't any steam
And the train was going up the pole

We went flying along, along at a terrible rate
I shouted to my mate we're nineteen hours late
All at one I discovered to my dismay the train had turned right round
And we were going the other way

I stopped the train outside a pub and went to have a drink
When I came out again someone had pinched the train
I went up to a p'liceman and the copper said I think
I saw it disappearing down a drain - fished for half an hour but all in vain
Just then I heard a rumbling sound - the rain came dashing by -
My mouth was in my heart - for the train I made a dart,
It rushed up to a horse-trough and I fancy it was dry
It took a drink and made another start.

The worst part of my story is we somehow lost our way -
When we got where we were, we found it wasn't there;
The passengers got restless and I heard somebody say
Do you think the train is likely to be late? But little did they know their awful fate
For all at once the boilers burst - it was a fearful sight -
The carriages caught fire - we punctured every tyre! [Note 109.1]
The heat was so intense that all the iron rails caught alight
And everybody knows that I'm a liar