The hero takes a trip on a steamer at the request of his wife and daughter, falls in the water and suffers sea-sickness
Oh what a row what a rumpus and a rioting
Those endure, you may be sure, who go to sea
A ship you know from heel to toe, you never can be quiet in
By wind or steam 'tis all the same 'twas so with me
Wife and daughter on the water said they'd like to sail a bit
I consented, soon repented, and began to rail a bit
Papa now pray, do go today, the weather's so inviting, lauk!
I'm sure 'twill do such good to you, they feed you like a fighting cock. [Note 591.1]
Oh what a row &c.
In a boat I got afloat as clumsy as an elephant
So spruce and gay to spend the day and make a splash
Indeed it's true; I did it too, for stepping I fell off o'nt
And overboard, upon my word, I went slap dash [Note 591.2]
Wife squalling, daughter bawling, everything provoking me
Called a hog or poodle dog, all the sailors joking me
Dripping wet, in a pet¹, with many more distressibles
A fellow took a long boat hook, and caught my inexpressibles [Note 591.3]
Oh what a row &c.
Such a gig² without a wig, on deck I was exhibited
Laughed at by the passengers and quizzed¹ by the crew
Raved and swore that on the shore, I'd rather have been gibbeted¹
Thus half drowned by all around be roasted¹ too
Danger past and dry at last indulging curiosity
I stared to see the vessel flee with such a strange velocity
Pray said I to one nearby what power can impel us so
The smoky devil goes by steam; at least the sailors tell us so
Oh what a row &c.
Not a sail to catch the gale yet magically on I went
'gainst wind and tide and all beside, in wonder quite
Cast my eye to the sky, and tall as London's monument
I saw the kitchen chimney smoke as black as ink [Note 591.4]
People toiling roasting boiling, bless us such a rookery¹,
They'd soup and fish, and fowl and flesh, a London Tavern cookery [Note 591.5]
Then the noise of men and boys a din to rival an hubbub
I though the crew were devils too, their Master Beelzebub
Oh what a row &c.
Wife to me so lovingly, says now's your time to pick a bit
The dinner's serving up below and we must fly
Says I, my dear, I' very queer, I'm going to be sick a bit
I'm seized with dizziness, I faint, I die
I cannot eat, I loathe my meat, I feel my stomach failing me
Steward hasten, bring a basin, what the deuce is ailing me
If 'tis handy, get some brandy, the malady to quench unable
Down I lay for half a day, in a pickle² quite unmentionable.
Oh what a row &c.
As to dinner, I'm a sinner if I touched a bit of it
But anchor cast and home at last, I'm safe once more.
In a packet such a racket, crowding to get quit of it
Like cattle(1) on a coaster, were hailed on shore
With how d'ye do, and how are you, I see you're better physically
Zounds, be still, I'm very ill, you're always talking quizzically
Some with gall, may go to sea, but I shall not be willing sirs
For such a day again to pay just two pounds fifteen shillings sirs. [Note 591.6]
Oh what a row &c.