I am a railway porter and my mates all call me Dan [Note 339.1]
I earn as many ha'pence as a railway porter can; [Note 339.2]
My wages are a pound a week which isn't very fat,
When there's a wife and family to see to out of that:
It take me all my time I know to find them bread and cheese,
And I should have no dinners but for my gratuities; [Note 339.3]
Gratuities are sixpences, and threepences and bobs¹, [Note 339.4]
Which I get hold of now and then for waiting on the nobs(1).
Chorus: Take your seats for Leicester, Chester, Birmingham or Crewe,
See your luggage labelled for the place you're going to;
And if you are a Captain or a Colonel or a man,
You can find little sixpence for the Porter Dan
Now if you'd like a journey that will suit you, don't you know,
Just tell me what you are and then I'll tell you where to go;
If you are fond of billiards go to Kew and then to Poole,
And to the Scilly Islands if you fancy you're a fool:
If you're a waiter you should go of course to Table Bay,
And if you are a donkey, then you ought to go to Bray;
Go to the Sandwich Islands if you're hungry and would dine,
But if you're fond of bloaters go to Herrin-on-the-Rhine
There's the Isle of Man for ladies who are looking out for mates,
For lovers who've made up their minds, there's the United States;
For those who want divorces, Sunderland of course is best
And all the babies certainly, prefer to go to Brest:
All those who like a game of whist should cut at once for Deal,
And pugilists to Box Moor go when they have been to Peel;
Bookbinders should be happy if to Russia they are bound,
And invalids be glad if they arrive at Plymouth Sound.
The milkmen should go more to Cowes, I very often say,
And jockeys should be off to Ryde or else Horse-trail-i-a;
The mashers(1) should to Starch Green go to keep their collars stiff,
And tenor singers make a note to go to Teneriffe:
The girls should go to Kissengen, there is no doubt they do,
The boys should go to Darlington, to Ems and Nancy too;
The Queen should go to Queensland though it's far across the sea,
And the Prince of Wales in Kingsland then would very welcome be.