Standing on the station platform
Many stories you could weave
Porters shouting "stand back there"
"now clear the way" or "by your leave"
Quite a babble you behold there
Every grade of human race
Notice how the wide commercial¹
Walks as tho' he owned the place
My luggage porter put into that van
Come look alive don't stand there staring man;
Confound you, look out, that's my favourite, oh hang
Now label the lot how very plain
Hello old man how's business come let's take a nip¹
Ta-ta old chap, to see all_square¹ I'll slip
With the grace of a Duke a two-penny tip
That's when the commercial goes off by train

When the boy from dear old Ireland wants to travel by the train
Where and what his destination
He finds hardest to explain
Sure he helps to keep the railway
And the clerks from him must steer
He walks to the booking office
Shouts anyone at home round here
Bedad¹ I phant a ticket; the clerk says "to where,"
"arrah, that's my business git the ticket so there -
Sure you phant my address I'm respectable beware"
The booking clerk tries to explain;
"Ah! Be_jabers¹, yer roight, here's my hand, anyhow,
'Ere I'll whisper I live down Ballynungow
Faith I've lost me money, have to walk it home now"
That's when the Irishman goes for his train

There's the girl whose leaving home
To spend a weekend up in town [Note 464.1]
Never been alone before now
All the world seems upside down;
Takes her ticket, such a bluster
All her friends see her away,
As she trembles with excitement
Ten to one you'll hear her say-
Which is my train porter - oh the one over there
This way mamma I'll be quite safe, no fear
You'll write to me won't you, write to-night mamma dear
Well I've forgotten those things what a shame
You must send them on to me - those red ones you know
And don't let the boys see them oh dear no no!
We're off now good bye give my love to flo!
That's when the stylish young maid goes off by train

When a son of toil from Yorkshire
Makes a journey on the line
Wife and children all flock round him
He has quite a merry time;
Hear his wife give him instructions,
But he knows her homely ways,
And blesses her pure goodness
As in accents strong he says
"Nah es ta that sangwhich, tha'll want summit to ait
An' keep warm at neets, lad, am telling tha straight
Tha mun use my pyjamas they'll fit thee all reight
They may luk a little bit plain;
A there's awr Jeremiah he's laking¹ wi t'wheels
That's fair upset ma, that knaws as one feels
He's ta that little bottle lad, it's goan reight to mi heels"
That's when the orchardman goes off by train.