Oh what a row what a rumpus and a rioting
All hose endure, you may be sure, that go to sea
A ship is a thing that you never can be quiet in
By wind or steam 'tis all the same 'twas so with me
Wife and daughter on the water said they'd like to sail a bit
I consented, soon repented, soon began to rail a bit
Papa now pray, do go today, the weather's so inviting, lauk¹!
I'm sure 'twill do such good to you, they feed you like a fighting cock.
Oh what a row what a rumpus and a rioting
All those endure, you may be sure, that go to sea

In a boat I got afloat as clumsy as an elephant
So spruce and gay to spend the day, and make a splash
Gad! it's true; I did it too, for stepping in, I fell off o'nt
And overboard, upon my word, I went, slap dash
Wife squalling, Daughter bawling, every thing provoking me
Called "a Hog, a Poodle dog", all the sailors joking me
Dripping wet, in a fret, with many more diststressibles
A fellow took a long boat hook, and caught my inexpressibles
Oh what a row &c.

Such a gig without a wig, on deck I was exhibited
Laughed at by the passengers and quizzed by the crew
Raved and swore that on the shore, I'd rather have been gibbeted
Thus half drown'd, by all around, be roasted too
Danger past and dry at last, indulging curiosity
I stared to see the Vessel flee, with such a strange velocity;
"Pray" said I to one just by, "What power can impel us so"
"The smoky devil goes by steam; at least the lubbers tell us so
Oh what a row &c.

Not a sail to catch the gale, yet magically on I went,
'Gainst wind and tide, and all beside, in wonder quite
Cast my eye, up to the sky, and tall as London's Monument¹
I saw the Kitchen Chimney smoke, as black as night.
People toiling, roasting, boiling, bless us such a rookery,
They'd soup and fish, and fowl and flesh, a London Tavern cookery
Then the noise of men and boys a din to rival Hell's Hubbub
I though the crew were Devils too, their master Capt'n Beelzebub
Oh what a row &c.

Wife to me, say_ says she, "now's your time to pick a bit"
"The dinner's serving up below and we must fly"
Says I, "my dear, I'm very queer, I'm going to be sick a bit"
I'm seized with an alloverness¹, I faint!, I die!"
"I cannot eat, I loathe my meat, I feel my stomach failing me",
"Steward hasten, bring a basin, what_the_Deuce¹ is ailing me"
If it's handy, get some brandy", the malady to quench unable
Down I lay for half a day, in a pickle quite unmentionable.
Oh what a row &c.

As to dinner, I'm a sinner if I touched a bit of it
But anchor cast and home at last, I'm safe once more.
In the packet such a racket, crowding to get quit of it
Like cattle on a coaster, were hauled on shore.
With "how d'ye do", and "how are you, I see you're better physically,"
"Zounds, be still, I'm very ill, you're always talking quizzically"
Some with glee, may go to sea, but I shall not be willing Sir
For such a day again to pay just two pounds fifteen shillings, Sir".
Oh what a row &c.