Steam Arm, The

Soldier gets steam powered prosthetic arm and uses it to beat his wife

[Note 402.1]

Oh wonders sure will never cease
While works of art do so increase
No matter whether in war or peace
Men can do whatever they please

Chorus : Ri too ral, &c [Note 402.2]

A curious tale I'm to unfold
To all of you as I am told
About a soldier stout and bold
Whose wife 'tis said was an arrant scold

At Waterloo he lost an arm
Which gave him pain and great alarm
But soon he got well, and quite calm
For a shilling a day was a sort o' balm

The story goes on every night
His wife would bang him left and right
So he determined, out of spite,
To have an arm, cost what it might

He went at once, strange it may seem
To have one made to work by steam
For a ray of hope began to gleam
That force of arms would win her esteem

The limb was finished fixed unto
His stump of a shoulder neat and true
You'd have thought it there by nature grew
For it stuck to its pace as tight as glue

He started home and knocked at the door
His wife, her abuse began to pour
He turned a small peg and before
He'd time to think she fell on the floor

With policemen soon the place was filled
But every one he nearly killed
For the soldiers arm had been so drilled
That once in action it couldn't be stilled

They took him at once before the mayor
But his arm kept moving all the while there
The mayor cried 'shake your fist if you dare'!
When the steam arm knocked him out of his chair

This raise in court a bit of a clamour
The arm going like an auctioneer's hammer
It fell in weight like a paviour's hammer
And many with fear began to stammer

He was locked in a cell from doing harm
To satisfy them who had still a qualm
When all at once, they had an alarm
Down fell the walls and out popped the arm

He soon escaped and reached his door
And knocked by steam raps half a score
But as the arm in power grew more and more
Bricks, mortar and wood soon strewed the floor

With eagerness he stepped each chair
Popped into the room, his wife was there
O come to my arms she cried my dear!
When his steamer smashed the crockery ware

He left his house at length outright
And wanders about just like a sprite
For he can't sleep either day or night
And his arm keeps moving with two-horse might.