Railway Porter

A porter inveigles wealthy passengers into tipping him.



In times of locomotive pow'r
One truth the mind engages
You travels thirty miles an hour [Note 590.1]
By wery easy stages
You'll shortly now a hundred go
To make your journeys shorter
And certainly I ought to know
Cos I'm the Railway Porter

Chorus:  Ordered here and wanted there
                And always in hot water
                I'd like to know who leads a life
                Like Bill the Railway Porter

When Ladies come both old and young
(For no age I disparage,)
I takes 'em with the greatest care
And place 'em in the carriage
They smiles at me, I smiles at them
So neither on us suffers
The men can get in as they can
For I never minds the Buffers(1). [Note 590.2]

Ah, its all very well to sneer at us Railway 'Fishals - But here have I been on this 'ere blessed platform ever since 6.14. A.M. this morning and rainin' dreadful hard all the time [Note 590.3]
- Enough to give a feller water on the brain, it are-

And here's this 'ere Hamper too- Marked "Glass with care," [Note 590.4]
I don't know what to do-with it- There's two directions on it_ One says Glasgow- And the other says Edinbro'- I'll send it on to Falkirk that's just about half way and then it must get to one end or tother and I ought to know ! 'Cause I'm the Railway Porter..

Chorus Order'd here and wanted there &c &c

Sometimes I see's a knobby(1) swell¹ 
Whom don't treat with lightness;
'Cause one thing I knows very well
They preciates politeness.
We're not allow'd to take no fees(1)
Or we our service break it; [Note 590.5]
But if a Gent will give his hand
We can't refuse to toe it

Now last Saturday as ever was, the down train from Aberdeen to Southampton never reached here till 6.14.P. M. in the arternoon- Now they was all behind owing to the Burnt Island train meeting the North Mail from Stirling and the express from Coupar- Fife never kept time at Kelso to save the up train from Peterhead to Kilmarnock - Oh, you can see it all in Bradshaw(1)! -

So. I says to George Perkins, who was driving for Sandy McNeill- I says to George says I (just in the same tone of woice as I'm a tellin' on you now) "George" says I, there's a strong smell of Tobacca somewhere"- Well, George turns round and he says to me- (just in the same tone of woice as I says to him ) - Beel he says to me says he [Note 590.6] -"I should'nt wonder but -what there was". Well you know my maximum all thro' life has been 'there's nothink like a little civility" - Civility will carry a man further in this life than all your Railways put together - Well

I goes up to a First Class Carriage and I opens the door and sure enough there was three young swells a blowin' away at their Seegars - Just as hard as ever they could - Now as I said before - Civility is my Maximum- So I says to them says I (just in the same tone of woice as I'm a telling on you now) ''Gents" says I there's two rules must be observed on this line of Railway - Which "is "smoking is strictly prohibited [Note 590.7]-
and there's no fees allowed for servants''-. (holds out hand)" Thank you Gents - Says I - Know'd they was regular swells - And I ought to know Cause I'm the Railway Porter.

I carries loads upon my back
Enough to break a Donkey
And must'nt say a sarey word
Tho' blowed up by a Monkey
All I can do when I'm annoyed
Vexation to display it
Is to take his luggage to the scale
And keep him while they weigh it [Note 590.8]

Spoken.- Now last Thursday week-a young swell comes up here by the 9. 67. Down train - And no sooner did he put his patent leather boots on the platform than he begins singing out -"Portaw! Portaw! Well, he might ha' gone on Portaw-ing till now for all as I'd a knowd what he wanted - Only he looked so dredful hard at me that I went, up and I says to him says I (in just the same tone of woice as I'm a telling on you now) I says to him says I "is there any think I can do for you." 'cause you know civility is my maximum - Well he turns round to me and he says to me says he - I want 2 Portmanteaux, 2 Hat Boxes - 2 Writing Cases - 2 Fishing Rods - And 2 Terrier Dogs -[Note 590.9]

Well I merely turns round to him and I says to him says I - "Surely Sir they did'nt put 'em all in the same compartment?" Well he turns round to me- Sharp enough to bite your nose off - And threatened to report me to our Superintendant now what had I done? - Nothink -See the difference of People travelling -

Now there's Sam Cowell(1) for instance he's always on the move [Note 590.10]-
And he travels with a rare lot of luggage he do - But we never thinks 'o weighing 'o his things, we don't - 'Cause why? Why, whenever he comes to a station the first thing he says to me or my mate, or any on us Railway Fishuls as happens to be there `You come up to the Concert tonight, I shant charge you nothink" Now that's what I call live, and let live, and I ought to know: 'Cause. I'm the Railway Porter -
chorus Order'd here and wanted there &c &c

But gentlemen and ladies all
I now must stop my singing.
'Cause there's another train come in (Bell rings outside)
I hear the Bell a ringing [Note 590.11]-
Perhaps there's some may think I might
Have made my song much shorter -
But I've done my best to please you, so
Forgive the Railway Porter - ,

chorus Order'd here and wanted there &c &c