Railway Guard, The

A guard deals with a fracas among the passengers.

332Cover.png[Note 332.1]

[332Notation]

At the terminus at Euston of the North West Rail
A buxom(1) wench, fair, fat ant forty, was seated in the Mail.  [Note 332.2]
She showed her ticket to me and asked if she was right
I told her yes, and hoped she'd pass a very pleasant night
I shut the door the whistle blew the engine gave a scream
We slowly left the platform propelled along by steam
Into my break I quickly jumped, all right the word was given
And at a rattling pace along the Euston line was driven

In the mail train to the north, let it hail rain or snow
Along the iron railway, like lightening we go
I care not for the weather, and my brake I'll not discard
For as happy as a king am I although a railway guard.

We'd stopped at Rugby when the lady called me to her side [Note 332.3] 
She said she'd been insulted by a gentleman inside
Who had never ceased annoying her, she was in such a fright
And begged that I would quickly take the ruffian from her sight
I said, Oh yes, but tell me first the crime he has committed
Committed! echoed she, so fierce, I thought he was half-witted
Go fetch me a policeman and as sure as eggs is eggs
I will give him into custody for tickling my legs

The gentleman, he said twas false, the woman must be mad
Or would not charge him wrongfully, it really was too bad
He had not once (been?) near her, her story was untrue
He kept apart for 'distance lent enchantment to the view'
Into the carriage I immediately did go
To try and find the culprit who had teased the lady so.
When underneath the seat, where she sat, how very shocking [Note 332.4] 
Was a basket of game fowls that had been pecking at her stocking

An apology she quickly made to him ere she departed
And grieved to think that she had been so very chicken hearted
The gentleman accepted it and loudly laughed outright
And advised her to put gaiters on if she stayed there the night
A warning this to young men be, the danger here is shown
Of riding in a train at night with a female all alone [Note 332.5]
Look out for baskets 'neath the seat before you start away
Or you perhaps may be accused, one day, of some foul play.