Engine Driver's Story, The

A Driver loses engine and gets lost in the network. (Comic nonsense)

On the never get there railroad I've been driving thirty years
And some dreadful sights I've seen, in twelve accidents I've been
The story I am going to tell would melt a frog to tears
So go to sleep and listen to my tale
The mystery of the mouldy midnight mail
We left the railway ration and the whistle gave a scream
She began to rock and roll I'd forgot to take the coal
Then I all at one discovered that we hadn't any steam
And the train was going up the pole

We went flying along, along at a terrible rate
I shouted to my mate we're nineteen hours late
All at one I discovered to my dismay the train had turned right round
And we were going the other way

I stopped the train outside a pub and went to have a drink
When I came out again someone had pinched the train
I went up to a p'liceman and the copper said I think
I saw it disappearing down a drain - fished for half an hour but all in vain
Just then I heard a rumbling sound - the rain came dashing by -
My mouth was in my heart - for the train I made a dart,
It rushed up to a horse-trough and I fancy it was dry
It took a drink and made another start.

The worst part of my story is we somehow lost our way -
When we got where we were, we found it wasn't there;
The passengers got restless and I heard somebody say
Do you think the train is likely to be late? But little did they know their awful fate
For all at once the boilers burst - it was a fearful sight -
The carriages caught fire - we punctured every tyre! [Note 109.1]
The heat was so intense that all the iron rails caught alight
And everybody knows that I'm a liar